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Listen, up…we have to listen to what we hear and see what we see and stop making up fantasies when we’re handed a bunch of crap!

Anyone heard this story before?:  Leah and Fred have been dating for a little while (plug in 3 weeks or 3 months here) and Leah starts to get fed up that Fred is never available (plug in here Fred is fed up with Leah) and decides to end the relationship in a reasonable and responsible way:

“This really isn’t working out for me.  I think we have different needs for a relationship.”  No blaming, no shaming…just we are two adults who aren’t looking for the same things, right?

Commence the storm of nasty texts, ALL CAPITALIZED WITH !!!!*&^*(!!!! full of nasty comments, accusations, criticisms of everything about her/him.  Reaction?  Really, what…?  We didn’t even have a commitment of any kind and they react this harshly?

Ignore the texts, don’t answer the phone, don’t read the emails for a few days and you think it’ll blow over.  Whew!

What do you think happens next?

He/she shows up at her/his workplace with flowers, apologies, offers of fun and expensive things to do together….you can’t believe it!

What would you do?  Do you think going back will mean a change and a better relationship?  What clues lead you to believe that?

Unfortunately many people are tempted to and do go back into this snake pit expecting a different result.  It rarely turns out well but we talk ourselves into believing it can.

Ask yourself this question:  How can this wound be healed?  How can a person make up for having said such horrible and hurtful things?  If this happened so early in a relationship, what makes you think it won’t happen again?

I want to tell you this fact:  There are plenty of nice people out there who could love you just the way you are…you don’t need to SETTLE for anyone who doesn’t have  basic human respect!

Time to move on, respect yourself and your life and let it go.


Sometimes it’s better to take a moment in time to hug without words. We don’t always have to talk to be comforting. Sometimes a hug will do.

If someone you love is unhappy, you don’t have to fix it or tell them to stop feeling badly.

Sometimes a warm touch and just being there can mean more than a thousand words.

After you’ve been hurt or disappointed in a few relationships it’s easy to feel like you have to protect yourself from more pain.
If you wall up your heart it will be hard to give out the kind of energy that will attract like-minded and healthy people. It will be hard to trust and enjoy anyone you meet.
The trick is to Keep Your Heart Open but to not get so attached that you can’t walk away when things go badly.
Keep your eyes open, Keep your boundaries, Keep your values and Respect your self.

Don’t be in such a hurry! Don’t be in such a rush to jump in a relationship so you don’t have to rush to get out.

When you’re feeling hurt by rejection remember that this is just one person. Don’t forget about everyone else who cares for and loves you.

What attracts us to someone is the infatuation, the sex and the great energy. What keeps a relationship going is knowing and loving someone who knows and loves you and being in a relationship where you feel joy.

Don’t confuse being alone with being lonely. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely in a room full of people.

It’s good to learn to be alone and enjoy your own company and it’s good to fill your social life with people who respect you and fill you up instead of draining or ignoring you.

If you focus on waiting for the right person to come into your life, you miss out on the joy of becoming the right person to come into someone elses life.
Be The Best Person You Want To Be so they can find you!

In Part One I asked the question: “How do you know if your reticence is about you being scared to connect for fear of being hurt again or if you’re picking up on some danger signs?”, and then went on to talk about how to figure out the Red Flags, how to look at danger signs.
One of my readers reminded me that I hadn’t finished the second part of my thinking about this topic.
In this blog I want to talk about the “what if it is about your fears and anxieties?” piece of this.

It is possible that you are making mountains out of molehills yourself because you are scared of being hurt again or because you are a person who has never really been that comfortable letting anyone too close. Is it possible that, after having had bad experiences and made mistakes, you aren’t sure you can trust yourself anymore?

There ARE people who meet and “fall in love at first sight” and actually stay in love. Sometimes your radar and intuition turn out to be right!

If you are someone who has, as I call it, Done Your Own Work, you may have figured out what your own issues and blocks are and do better at sorting out what your responses are about and adjust for them in your conscious and rational mind. Some of this may even have become more intuitive and less hard work to stay conscious of. You might find yourself even having a physical reaction to certain behaviors, comments or situations before you’re aware of what they remind you of. If you haven’t Done Your Own Work there is a lot of subconscious emotional interpretation going on that you aren’t even aware of that impacts your responses and behaviors.

If you’ve been through several relationships or if you’ve only had a few, you’ve thought about what worked and didn’t work, you’ve thought about how to be The Best Person You Want To Be and what you want from others. You’ve been around the block enough to recognize some bad things and see them sooner. You might make mistakes but, hopefully, you don’t make THE SAME mistakes again.

If there are no BRIGHT RED FLAGS or if you do see some RED FLAGS but you know these are related to your own issues, you can give it some time to see how things play out in a relationship. Sometimes, as Jung said to Freud, a cigar IS just a cigar, and sometimes people’s intial behavior upon meeting a new person is just anxiety and not a sign of character flaws.

I keep asking this question: What’s the big rush? Why do you feel as if you have limited time or have to make a decision RIGHT THIS MINUTE?

I think feeling rushed is YOUR issue even if someone is overtly or covertly pushing you. They might want to UP THE ANTE to get you to “pick them” but you don’t have to absorb their anxiety and work on their agenda.

What’s your agenda? To get a relationship fast or to get a good one?

As I always say: “The trick is to keep your heart open but don’t get so attached that you can’t walk away if it turns out to be the wrong person”. “It can take four seasons to really know someone” and I have had experiences where I have found out things even further into a relationship that I was totally surprised about.

So the message here is…take your time….keep your eyes open….check things out….be yourself….and wait for the person who is right for you who likes you just the way you are!
We all deserve to be liked and loved and cared for and there is someone out there who will feel that way about you. Stop Trying To Fit The Round Peg In A Square Hole to make relationships work. Stop trying to make your fantasy about someone, a relationship or yourself, a reality. It doesn’t work that way!

Never set someone else as a priority when you are only an option to them.