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Not everyone has the same goals in mind when they enter the Dating World and if you don’t know that fact you are likely to be surprised and disappointed in most of your attempts at relationships.

Most people assume that everyone out in the Dating World has the same goals in mind. If we are looking for True Love followed by marriage and kids, or no kids, we assume that’s what everyone we date is looking for too. We believe it is the Right Way and the Only Way to live life and have relationships.

The fact is that everyone has the right to date however they want to…but really, they should be honest and upfront so we don’t waste each other’s time!

Here is a basic list of kinds of dating people may be focusing on:

THE COMMITMENT DATER

These folks want to find The Right One, settle down, marry, have kids or not have kids and spend the rest of their lives with someone.

When dating they are looking at how they might fit together forever, how their kids would look, how their families would get along, whether or not they’d be financially stable and if they’d enjoy growing old together.

THE SERIALLY MONOGAMOUS DATER

Serial Daters like to have long term monogamous relationships but don’t necessarily expect them to last a lifetime. They may have started out being a Commitment Dater but have given up over time as their relationships have ended badly.

They may have a secret hope that they could still meet The Right One but have become used to having a series of short relationships. These relationships might last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years.

THE MORE THE MERRIER DATER

Some people choose to date several people at a time. They may think of long term commitment as something they see in their future or they may not.

They may choose to date 2-5 people at a time or they might think it’s fun to meet as many people as they fit in their schedule.

They might tell you that’s their plan or they might encourage you to believe that you are the only one they are seeing and that they are just so busy they can’t get to see you very much.

THE HOOK-UP DATER

For many people having sex is more important than having emotional intimacy. Or emotional intimacy makes them uncomfortable.

Whatever the reasoning, they are ready, willing and able to have sex but when you try to actually have a RELATIONSHIP you will never find them.

Sometimes they are honest and just look for hook-ups online or at a bar but many will go to dating sites and pretend to be looking for relationships. For some of them there is a thrill to the game of fooling others.

THE PREDATOR DATER

Predators are looking for gullible people who will help them get something they need. They might need somewhere to live because they are addicts of some kind. They might see that you have a job and a place to live and strive to get you feeling sorry for them so you’ll take care of them and their needs.

They might be using you to hurt their exes and drag you into their drama.

If you have children, they might be hoping to get access to your children to abuse them physically or sexually. They might want to hurt you physically or sexually or emotionally. That might be what they need to feel good about themselves.

Think about these different kinds of people/daters as you go out into the dating world. And remember that not all of them will be honest with you about what their real goals and intentions are.

Think about what your goals are. Honestly.

Take time to get to know people before you get sexual and serious.

Be very clear with people you date about what your goals are. They won’t always listen or hear you so say it more than once.

Listen to what they say and listen to what they do. Ask them what they mean. Ask them more than once.

If you rush into relationship after relationship to avoid being alone or lonely, you won’t be truly ready and available to anyone.
What’s the rush? Find yourself first. Take some time to get to know others before you jump in.
You will make better choices and feel more peace and joy.

After you’ve been hurt or disappointed in a few relationships it’s easy to feel like you have to protect yourself from more pain.
If you wall up your heart it will be hard to give out the kind of energy that will attract like-minded and healthy people. It will be hard to trust and enjoy anyone you meet.
The trick is to Keep Your Heart Open but to not get so attached that you can’t walk away when things go badly.
Keep your eyes open, Keep your boundaries, Keep your values and Respect your self.

Having someone to love does not “complete” you.
You are a complete “work in progress” and all you need is someone to love and accept you just the way you are.

Don’t be in such a hurry! Don’t be in such a rush to jump in a relationship so you don’t have to rush to get out.

When you’re feeling hurt by rejection remember that this is just one person. Don’t forget about everyone else who cares for and loves you.

What attracts us to someone is the infatuation, the sex and the great energy. What keeps a relationship going is knowing and loving someone who knows and loves you and being in a relationship where you feel joy.

Don’t confuse being alone with being lonely. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely in a room full of people.

It’s good to learn to be alone and enjoy your own company and it’s good to fill your social life with people who respect you and fill you up instead of draining or ignoring you.

If you focus on waiting for the right person to come into your life, you miss out on the joy of becoming the right person to come into someone elses life.
Be The Best Person You Want To Be so they can find you!

In Part One I asked the question: “How do you know if your reticence is about you being scared to connect for fear of being hurt again or if you’re picking up on some danger signs?”, and then went on to talk about how to figure out the Red Flags, how to look at danger signs.
One of my readers reminded me that I hadn’t finished the second part of my thinking about this topic.
In this blog I want to talk about the “what if it is about your fears and anxieties?” piece of this.

It is possible that you are making mountains out of molehills yourself because you are scared of being hurt again or because you are a person who has never really been that comfortable letting anyone too close. Is it possible that, after having had bad experiences and made mistakes, you aren’t sure you can trust yourself anymore?

There ARE people who meet and “fall in love at first sight” and actually stay in love. Sometimes your radar and intuition turn out to be right!

If you are someone who has, as I call it, Done Your Own Work, you may have figured out what your own issues and blocks are and do better at sorting out what your responses are about and adjust for them in your conscious and rational mind. Some of this may even have become more intuitive and less hard work to stay conscious of. You might find yourself even having a physical reaction to certain behaviors, comments or situations before you’re aware of what they remind you of. If you haven’t Done Your Own Work there is a lot of subconscious emotional interpretation going on that you aren’t even aware of that impacts your responses and behaviors.

If you’ve been through several relationships or if you’ve only had a few, you’ve thought about what worked and didn’t work, you’ve thought about how to be The Best Person You Want To Be and what you want from others. You’ve been around the block enough to recognize some bad things and see them sooner. You might make mistakes but, hopefully, you don’t make THE SAME mistakes again.

If there are no BRIGHT RED FLAGS or if you do see some RED FLAGS but you know these are related to your own issues, you can give it some time to see how things play out in a relationship. Sometimes, as Jung said to Freud, a cigar IS just a cigar, and sometimes people’s intial behavior upon meeting a new person is just anxiety and not a sign of character flaws.

I keep asking this question: What’s the big rush? Why do you feel as if you have limited time or have to make a decision RIGHT THIS MINUTE?

I think feeling rushed is YOUR issue even if someone is overtly or covertly pushing you. They might want to UP THE ANTE to get you to “pick them” but you don’t have to absorb their anxiety and work on their agenda.

What’s your agenda? To get a relationship fast or to get a good one?

As I always say: “The trick is to keep your heart open but don’t get so attached that you can’t walk away if it turns out to be the wrong person”. “It can take four seasons to really know someone” and I have had experiences where I have found out things even further into a relationship that I was totally surprised about.

So the message here is…take your time….keep your eyes open….check things out….be yourself….and wait for the person who is right for you who likes you just the way you are!
We all deserve to be liked and loved and cared for and there is someone out there who will feel that way about you. Stop Trying To Fit The Round Peg In A Square Hole to make relationships work. Stop trying to make your fantasy about someone, a relationship or yourself, a reality. It doesn’t work that way!

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