Currently viewing the tag: "dating match"

Listen, up…we have to listen to what we hear and see what we see and stop making up fantasies when we’re handed a bunch of crap!

Anyone heard this story before?:  Leah and Fred have been dating for a little while (plug in 3 weeks or 3 months here) and Leah starts to get fed up that Fred is never available (plug in here Fred is fed up with Leah) and decides to end the relationship in a reasonable and responsible way:

“This really isn’t working out for me.  I think we have different needs for a relationship.”  No blaming, no shaming…just we are two adults who aren’t looking for the same things, right?

Commence the storm of nasty texts, ALL CAPITALIZED WITH !!!!*&^*(!!!! full of nasty comments, accusations, criticisms of everything about her/him.  Reaction?  Really, what…?  We didn’t even have a commitment of any kind and they react this harshly?

Ignore the texts, don’t answer the phone, don’t read the emails for a few days and you think it’ll blow over.  Whew!

What do you think happens next?

He/she shows up at her/his workplace with flowers, apologies, offers of fun and expensive things to do together….you can’t believe it!

What would you do?  Do you think going back will mean a change and a better relationship?  What clues lead you to believe that?

Unfortunately many people are tempted to and do go back into this snake pit expecting a different result.  It rarely turns out well but we talk ourselves into believing it can.

Ask yourself this question:  How can this wound be healed?  How can a person make up for having said such horrible and hurtful things?  If this happened so early in a relationship, what makes you think it won’t happen again?

I want to tell you this fact:  There are plenty of nice people out there who could love you just the way you are…you don’t need to SETTLE for anyone who doesn’t have  basic human respect!

Time to move on, respect yourself and your life and let it go.


After years of dating badly and marrying badly ( for some of us), it can be hard to break the old habits and patterns.

One pattern that many, except Jane The Virgin, fall into is jumping into sex right way.  My belief is that people do this somewhat because of lust and libido but mostly out of fear of loss and abandonment.  There’s a subconscious belief, even though we’ve been proven wrong many times, that if we have sex with someone it will mean there is love and that person will be committed and stay.

Sex means different things to different people.  Some think it means love and commitment and connections while others are just scratching the itch.  Don’t assume.

If sex is a relationship cementing act for you, do you really think YOU can know that you want to be with this person forever in a first date??  Get real!  Neither of you know each other no matter how many deep conversations you have, no matter how many things you feel you have in common.  There is no such thing as “Love At First Sight”.  Sometimes people who are attracted to each other can build on the initial plunge, but it’s not a given that the initial attraction will make a relationship work.  Really not.

So make sure that, before you do Relationship-Cementing activities,  you really like and value and respect the person you are doing them with.  Don’t do anything if you’re not sure you want to be with them and build a relationship.  How long do you think it takes to know that?  I’m thinking it takes Four Seasons and even then people can change.

Also, if you’re having sex with someone early on, do you really know that they are not doing the same thing with someone else?  Ask yourself, how would you feel about doing this sexual stuff with them knowing they’re doing it with someone else?  If you’re OK with it, go ahead.  But if you’d be hurt, jealous, feel shame or less than…don’t do it!

Take things slow.  Slow and steady wins the race.  What’s the hurry?  Oftentimes when you wait and see,what you see you will not really like.  Wait for it……

Not everyone has the same goals in mind when they enter the Dating World and if you don’t know that fact you are likely to be surprised and disappointed in most of your attempts at relationships.

Most people assume that everyone out in the Dating World has the same goals in mind. If we are looking for True Love followed by marriage and kids, or no kids, we assume that’s what everyone we date is looking for too. We believe it is the Right Way and the Only Way to live life and have relationships.

The fact is that everyone has the right to date however they want to…but really, they should be honest and upfront so we don’t waste each other’s time!

Here is a basic list of kinds of dating people may be focusing on:


These folks want to find The Right One, settle down, marry, have kids or not have kids and spend the rest of their lives with someone.

When dating they are looking at how they might fit together forever, how their kids would look, how their families would get along, whether or not they’d be financially stable and if they’d enjoy growing old together.


Serial Daters like to have long term monogamous relationships but don’t necessarily expect them to last a lifetime. They may have started out being a Commitment Dater but have given up over time as their relationships have ended badly.

They may have a secret hope that they could still meet The Right One but have become used to having a series of short relationships. These relationships might last anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years.


Some people choose to date several people at a time. They may think of long term commitment as something they see in their future or they may not.

They may choose to date 2-5 people at a time or they might think it’s fun to meet as many people as they fit in their schedule.

They might tell you that’s their plan or they might encourage you to believe that you are the only one they are seeing and that they are just so busy they can’t get to see you very much.


For many people having sex is more important than having emotional intimacy. Or emotional intimacy makes them uncomfortable.

Whatever the reasoning, they are ready, willing and able to have sex but when you try to actually have a RELATIONSHIP you will never find them.

Sometimes they are honest and just look for hook-ups online or at a bar but many will go to dating sites and pretend to be looking for relationships. For some of them there is a thrill to the game of fooling others.


Predators are looking for gullible people who will help them get something they need. They might need somewhere to live because they are addicts of some kind. They might see that you have a job and a place to live and strive to get you feeling sorry for them so you’ll take care of them and their needs.

They might be using you to hurt their exes and drag you into their drama.

If you have children, they might be hoping to get access to your children to abuse them physically or sexually. They might want to hurt you physically or sexually or emotionally. That might be what they need to feel good about themselves.

Think about these different kinds of people/daters as you go out into the dating world. And remember that not all of them will be honest with you about what their real goals and intentions are.

Think about what your goals are. Honestly.

Take time to get to know people before you get sexual and serious.

Be very clear with people you date about what your goals are. They won’t always listen or hear you so say it more than once.

Listen to what they say and listen to what they do. Ask them what they mean. Ask them more than once.

If you rush into relationship after relationship to avoid being alone or lonely, you won’t be truly ready and available to anyone.
What’s the rush? Find yourself first. Take some time to get to know others before you jump in.
You will make better choices and feel more peace and joy.

After you’ve been hurt or disappointed in a few relationships it’s easy to feel like you have to protect yourself from more pain.
If you wall up your heart it will be hard to give out the kind of energy that will attract like-minded and healthy people. It will be hard to trust and enjoy anyone you meet.
The trick is to Keep Your Heart Open but to not get so attached that you can’t walk away when things go badly.
Keep your eyes open, Keep your boundaries, Keep your values and Respect your self.

Having someone to love does not “complete” you.
You are a complete “work in progress” and all you need is someone to love and accept you just the way you are.

Don’t be in such a hurry! Don’t be in such a rush to jump in a relationship so you don’t have to rush to get out.

When you’re feeling hurt by rejection remember that this is just one person. Don’t forget about everyone else who cares for and loves you.

What attracts us to someone is the infatuation, the sex and the great energy. What keeps a relationship going is knowing and loving someone who knows and loves you and being in a relationship where you feel joy.

Don’t confuse being alone with being lonely. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely in a room full of people.

It’s good to learn to be alone and enjoy your own company and it’s good to fill your social life with people who respect you and fill you up instead of draining or ignoring you.