Currently viewing the tag: "committment phobia"

After years of dating badly and marrying badly ( for some of us), it can be hard to break the old habits and patterns.

One pattern that many, except Jane The Virgin, fall into is jumping into sex right way.  My belief is that people do this somewhat because of lust and libido but mostly out of fear of loss and abandonment.  There’s a subconscious belief, even though we’ve been proven wrong many times, that if we have sex with someone it will mean there is love and that person will be committed and stay.

Sex means different things to different people.  Some think it means love and commitment and connections while others are just scratching the itch.  Don’t assume.

If sex is a relationship cementing act for you, do you really think YOU can know that you want to be with this person forever in a first date??  Get real!  Neither of you know each other no matter how many deep conversations you have, no matter how many things you feel you have in common.  There is no such thing as “Love At First Sight”.  Sometimes people who are attracted to each other can build on the initial plunge, but it’s not a given that the initial attraction will make a relationship work.  Really not.

So make sure that, before you do Relationship-Cementing activities,  you really like and value and respect the person you are doing them with.  Don’t do anything if you’re not sure you want to be with them and build a relationship.  How long do you think it takes to know that?  I’m thinking it takes Four Seasons and even then people can change.

Also, if you’re having sex with someone early on, do you really know that they are not doing the same thing with someone else?  Ask yourself, how would you feel about doing this sexual stuff with them knowing they’re doing it with someone else?  If you’re OK with it, go ahead.  But if you’d be hurt, jealous, feel shame or less than…don’t do it!

Take things slow.  Slow and steady wins the race.  What’s the hurry?  Oftentimes when you wait and see,what you see you will not really like.  Wait for it……

If you rush into relationship after relationship to avoid being alone or lonely, you won’t be truly ready and available to anyone.
What’s the rush? Find yourself first. Take some time to get to know others before you jump in.
You will make better choices and feel more peace and joy.

After you’ve been hurt or disappointed in a few relationships it’s easy to feel like you have to protect yourself from more pain.
If you wall up your heart it will be hard to give out the kind of energy that will attract like-minded and healthy people. It will be hard to trust and enjoy anyone you meet.
The trick is to Keep Your Heart Open but to not get so attached that you can’t walk away when things go badly.
Keep your eyes open, Keep your boundaries, Keep your values and Respect your self.

If you keep falling in love with someone over and over, you know it’s love.
I think sometimes that being in a long term relationship is really like having several marriages.
If you are an ever-evolving person committed to personal and relationship growth, the person you were when you met your partner is not the same person you will be at different points of your life. Neither will they be, hopefully.
When you both have grown and developed different aspects of your selves, have children, have careers, become empty-nesters, etc don’t you look at each other from time to time and say, “Who is this person?”
Aren’t there times you aren’t sure that you even love each other anymore?
Look for the special moments when you look again and say, “Wow! That’s an amazing person! I’m falling in love with them all over again!”

Having someone to love does not “complete” you.
You are a complete “work in progress” and all you need is someone to love and accept you just the way you are.

Don’t be in such a hurry! Don’t be in such a rush to jump in a relationship so you don’t have to rush to get out.

When you’re feeling hurt by rejection remember that this is just one person. Don’t forget about everyone else who cares for and loves you.

What attracts us to someone is the infatuation, the sex and the great energy. What keeps a relationship going is knowing and loving someone who knows and loves you and being in a relationship where you feel joy.

Don’t confuse being alone with being lonely. You can be alone without being lonely and you can be lonely in a room full of people.

It’s good to learn to be alone and enjoy your own company and it’s good to fill your social life with people who respect you and fill you up instead of draining or ignoring you.

If you focus on waiting for the right person to come into your life, you miss out on the joy of becoming the right person to come into someone elses life.
Be The Best Person You Want To Be so they can find you!