Currently viewing the tag: "abuse"

Listen, up…we have to listen to what we hear and see what we see and stop making up fantasies when we’re handed a bunch of crap!

Anyone heard this story before?:  Leah and Fred have been dating for a little while (plug in 3 weeks or 3 months here) and Leah starts to get fed up that Fred is never available (plug in here Fred is fed up with Leah) and decides to end the relationship in a reasonable and responsible way:

“This really isn’t working out for me.  I think we have different needs for a relationship.”  No blaming, no shaming…just we are two adults who aren’t looking for the same things, right?

Commence the storm of nasty texts, ALL CAPITALIZED WITH !!!!*&^*(!!!! full of nasty comments, accusations, criticisms of everything about her/him.  Reaction?  Really, what…?  We didn’t even have a commitment of any kind and they react this harshly?

Ignore the texts, don’t answer the phone, don’t read the emails for a few days and you think it’ll blow over.  Whew!

What do you think happens next?

He/she shows up at her/his workplace with flowers, apologies, offers of fun and expensive things to do together….you can’t believe it!

What would you do?  Do you think going back will mean a change and a better relationship?  What clues lead you to believe that?

Unfortunately many people are tempted to and do go back into this snake pit expecting a different result.  It rarely turns out well but we talk ourselves into believing it can.

Ask yourself this question:  How can this wound be healed?  How can a person make up for having said such horrible and hurtful things?  If this happened so early in a relationship, what makes you think it won’t happen again?

I want to tell you this fact:  There are plenty of nice people out there who could love you just the way you are…you don’t need to SETTLE for anyone who doesn’t have  basic human respect!

Time to move on, respect yourself and your life and let it go.

 

Anger, not cruelty. We have gotten so confused about what is appropriate in relationships. What’s Assertiveness vs Aggression vs Passive Aggressive? We’ve been told we “have a right” to have our feelings, right? Or we may feel we don’t have a right to our feelings because it might hurt or upset someone else.

When we take the facts and interpret them in such a way that we get ourselves worked up into anger or hurt or sadness, we need to “own” the feelings. Our feelings are not the fault of someone else.

We have the right to tell people how we feel about what they said or did but we don’t have the right to be cruel. We don’t have the right to be mean and disrespectful just because of what someone else did or said.

We have to learn how to talk about our feelings without blaming someone else or trying to hurt them because we believe they hurt us.

It’s OK to be angry but not OK to be cruel.