If you’re scared of being alone, chances are you will allow people and relationships to pick you rather than you picking them. You will settle for people who don’t treat you with respect, you will settle for people who don’t share your values and you will ignore all of the Red Flags.
Our wounds can come from childhood, our traumas from dysfunctional families or friendships, but they leave us feeling unloveable and as if we need another person to make us whole.
We learn that we have to be part of a family or part of a group or part of a relationship to have value.
No person and no relationship can make you whole. No matter how many people love and value us, we will not believe it or feel safe until we can love and value our own self. If those people are no longer around, what will you have left?
We’ve all heard this and we may even believe it….but how do we change how we feel inside when we have spent our life riddled with shame and self doubt? When we have been taught to depend on the love and admiration of others to “feel” it for ourselves?
Of course there is no magic pill. It takes work. It takes time. It takes commitment.
Therapy: Unravel all of the negative messages and experiences that have made you into the person you are. Heal some of those old wounds by talking them through, understanding them and let go of them.
Relationships: Yes, finding healthy respectful people to support you on your journey will help you have the courage to depend on yourself. People who don’t need you to be or do anything for them can support you to be and do everything for yourself.
Educate Yourself: Have a thirst for knowledge about yourself and the world you live in. As you learn you will find yourself: What are your values? What brings you joy? What are your goals?
Books: Fiction and self-help books as well as internet blogs and articles can help you find what makes you tick….can help you understand the things that have kept you confused and dependent on others….can help you get smarter about who you are and what you need.
Movies: Escaping into other worlds can help you find your own values, truths, person. Absolam, the blue caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland, asks, “Whooo ArrrE YoUUU?”
Practice: Experiment with being alone, doing things yourself. Get used to it so it’s not so scary. Can you go out to eat by yourself and not feel conspicuously unloveable? Go to a movie without feeling like everyone knows you’re a loser? The more you do it the easier it gets. You might actually start to enjoy being about to pick your own movie without having to take everyone else’s opinion into consideration…and you get to eat ALL of the popcorn!
Start doing these things whether or not you’re in a relationship right now. It will prepare you for being alone and can make you a better partner.
Remember this is a lifelong process. No one is born confident and self assured and knowing themselves. And if you’re shamed into feeling badly about yourself or discouraged from this journey early on in life, it doesn’t mean you can’t work through it all in time. We are all evolving creatures, always learning and growing.
When do you want to start your adventure?